~my 26th birthday~

Yup,today is my 26th birthday. Alhamdulillah...I am still breathing and be given the opportunity by Allah to live with all the people that I love.

Every year, I will received a phone call or SMS from ma to wish me 'happy birthday'..thus I feel really weird this year that I didn't received it anymore from her...which then brings me back to a reality that she's gone :(

This year is the 1st year that I'm celebrating it as a wife to Solah...but again,sadly..he was not by my side on my 1st bday as his wife. To make it sounds more pathetic...he is not the 1st person to wish me...

The 1st person that wish me is my best friend,Deja...she called me,we talked thru the phone for a while before it got disconnected (due to lack of credit..i guess), and she send me a really lovely SMS saying.."happy bday, semoga pnjg umur, murah rezeki, bhgia & happy sokmo. aku tmpg hepi kalu ko hidup bhgia.jaga baby elok2..hargai apa yg ko ada skrg ni.ssh nk ckp ni..tp aku syg ko sgt2."....touching isn't it? But the really interesting part from her SMS is that..she reminds me of how lucky I am with my life right now.

I always feel sad after ma left me..I feels like I am not as lucky as other person who stills have their ma around them...but I surely missed the BIG fact that I'm married to such a great guy, I have a very kind family in laws who always take good care of me, I still have my lovely siblings who were always there for me thru my ups and down, and I am blessed with this baby that I've been carrying around in my belly for about 12 weeks now. At first I thought that this is the worst bday I've ever had in my life...but Deja's SMS has made me realize that perhaps this is the best bday I had so far in my life!

For the past 6 years,I've been celebrating my bday with my 'twin'..Pei lai. From USM till TUM Germany to UPM Spain, we have been celebrating it together. But this year, I'm celebrating it with my siblings,my cousins and my aunt at Teluk Batik. Though,it was only a small & simple celebration,but it does feel soooo sweet & nice . Plus, i never experienced any bday celebration at the beach before this.

P/s: Thanks 4 all the bday wishes from family and friends....I really appreciate every wish.. :)

S.E.P.I

Perkataan dengan 4 huruf tu membawa makna cukup besar dlm hidup seseorang. Entry ni bukan nak mengulas pasal filem SEPI yg x laku sgt di panggung (tp still one of my feveret muvi), cuma lebih pada erti SEPI dlm kamus hidup aku.

Aku betul2 mengenali erti SEPI saat aku mula2 menjejakkan kaki ke kota Munich,Germany pada 4 oktober 2006. Saat itu merupakan saat paling getir dlm hidupku selama 24thn. Itu lah saat pertama kali dlm hidup bila mana aku terpaksa hidup betul2 berdikari dan bersendirian. Seiring dengan peredaran masa,aku belajar menerima kesepian itu dan menerima dengan hati terbuka.

SEPI bertamu lagi dalam hidup bila mana ma meninggalkan aku buat selama2nya. Aku akur dgn takdir yang tersurat, aku redha yang Allah lebih menyayangi ma. Tempoh 25tahun 7bulan + 9bulan dlm kandungan ma, sudah cukup di pinjamkan buat aku. Samada mahu atau tidak, itu ketentuanNya yang aku harus akur.

Kehadiran Solah sedikit sebanyak mengusir rasa sepi itu jauh2. Kenalan yang aku kenali dari usia 18thn dan sama2 mengharungi arung kehidupan sebagai student KMM dan USM,akhirnya selamat menjadi suami aku. Takdir Tuhan dan berkat restu arwah ma juga, aku di anugerahkan lelaki yang selama ini menjadi pooooojaaaan hati aku dlm diam.

** [thanks to uteh & angah for reminding me of those time when I admired Solah so much in matrix-----> "kene habiskan makanan ni,baru dpt suami solah (instead of suami soleh) ] ^(*_*)^

(gmbr masa buka posa geng2 praktikum aku+ praktikum hubby kat Village View,Bangi –> kredit to Imah for organising it!)

Aku beruntung punya suami yang supportive, penyayang, penyabar, handsome (bonus), baik hati dan semua2 yg baik2 je lah(xkan nak kutuk laki kot,nanti dosa..ekekkeke) . Dan keberuntungan itu aku anggap bonus atas kepercayaan aku selama ni pada restu ayah bonda.

Namun kini, SEPI bertamu lagi. Kali ini lebih dasyat rasanya..kerana suamiku jauh berjuta batu dari ku dan aku sudah x punya ma lagi utk berkongsi rasa yang ku alami. Tapi Allah itu memang Maha Pemurah, kerana mengurniakan aku ibu bapa mertua yang menyayangi aku selayaknya anak mereka. Dan lebih pemurah lagu, bila mana dia mengurniakan ’seseorang’ utk menemani aku sepeninggalan suamiku.

Semoga SEPI yang menghuni hati aku akan menjauh pergi pada tanggal 6hb december nanti.

Walaupun SEPI itu perasaan yang membuatkan jiwa terasa kosong, ia juga akan membuatkan kita lebih menghargai insan2 di sekeliling kita. (^-*)

gmbr hubby aku tgh main game PS2, he loooooooook so much like yusry in this pic (*_^)

p/s: entry kali ni jiwang lantaran ia terhasil usai aku menonton filem SEPI…hihiihihi

Memoirs of MA : ~Quotes of my family~

24th June 2008 will be the date that I’ll remember forever.
It has been 18days since Ma left me and the whole world.
She was only 52 years old but as everybody knows that death will come to anybody at anytime and anywhere.

Since that day,I am not being the ‘Yatie’ that everybody used to know.
It is difficult to even to start smiling again thus it is also hard to even make a fake laughter.
I have been struggling to put myself together again and I’ve to admit that it was not easy at all.
It was easy for the others to keep saying that I have to be patient, I have to be strong, I have to accept this as God’s will, I must accept this fate with open heart but trust me when I’m saying this: “it was damn hard to do it!”

However as life must go on no matter what happen,I began to slowly recover and I really hope that I’ll be back to the old ‘Yatie’ soon.

I arrived home on 26th June at midnite.My brother and my uncle pick me up at the airport.
The first thing that I did when I reached home is hugged abah and crying on his shoulder.
Then I saw my aunt’s face which shows that she’s in great sorrow for losing her eldest sister.
I could see that all of my brothers eyes were full of tears as well and the most saddest face was my little sister’s face.
She’s just standing in front of the door looking at me hopelessly.

I was home for 10days.I’m glad hat I went home as I’ll be dead if I stayed in Madrid during those hard time.
At least,when I’m home, I could share my pain and sadness with the rest of my family members who truly understands me.
I couldnt even enter the kitchen during the first 3days that I’m home as there were so much memories with ma in the kitchen.
It was the place where she teach me how to cooks, where she jokes with me, where she tells me
what’s going on with her life on that particular day and it is a also the place where she advised me which guy that I should choose as my future husband!

And during those 10 days these are the words from my family members that kills me the most when I listened to:

Abah: “Bulan ni cukup 33tahun abah hidup dgn ma.Hubungan anak2 dgn ma memang rapat sebab hubungan darah daging tp hbgn abah dgn ma ialah hubungan hati”
and I know that he couldnt sleep since ma left him.

Kak Nur: “Nasib baik Kak Nur ikut cakap ma hari tu.Patutla ma insist Kak Nur stay kat umah sblm g NZ” and she knows that she’ve made the right choice to stay home for about 2months before leaving to New Zealand last year.

Abe De: “Perangai ti macam ma,Abe de tengok ti cukuplah” and he glanced at me with a really sad looks.

Pein: “Ein nak tunjuk kad pegawai ko ma“,he just got new job and he promised to give ma rm500 each month from his new salary and he never had the chance to do so.

Epit: “Pit sokmo degil ko ma” and now he wanted to finish painting the house as it was what ma wanted him to accomplished before my wedding.

Eji: “Ma nak minum air nyor,eji g beli tp ma x sempat minum“, he is the one who’s been taking care of ma’s need when she’s sick and he’s the only one who was with ma until her last breath.

Asul: “Asul dapat 7A IB,nak tunjuk ko ma tapi..“,he’s going to sit for PMR this year and that is his best achievement so far and he wanted to show the marks to ma and he told us to make it as a secret until he showed the report card to her himself…unfortunately he never had a chance to do so
and until now he never did showed the report card to anybody.

Alin: She’s speechless,she barely talks,she doesnt really said anything about ma,but everybody knows that wehenever anyone was talking about ma,she’ll started crying.
When I sleep with her, I could hear her calling “ma…ma”.

Makcik: She’s losing her best advisor as ma is the one who solves her problems and ma is the one she called when she’s bored.

Ayahcik: He couldnt really stay at home during afternoon as it is the time that he always spent at home with ma.

Me: there’s so much memories of her in my mind that will never vanishes with time.One week before she left me,she was talking on the phone for about half an hour with me and before she hanged up she said:”Ma dah bagi didikan agama yg cukup utk anak2 ma.Pandai2 la pilih yg mana baik & buruk”

Don't get me wrong when u read this as I don't mean to ask for any sympathy.
I’ll be strong like ma,I’ll never shows my weakness to the others jut like ma.
This is just a way for me to express the things lingering in my head and this is the best place for me to ensure that anyone who reads this will treasure ur mum when she’s still alive!

July 12th, 2008 at 9:29 am

Memoirs of MA : ~LHR airport~

I was sitting at the London Heathrow Airport, it is one of the most busiest airport in the world.

But I was not borthered with all the hustle bustle things going around me right now coz I’m living in my own world.
I’m sitting in front of the announcement screen,waiting for the gate number and here I am..crying again….

Abah always said that I’m still her little girl that he used to bring around on his back and to carry to bed whenever I slept in front of tv.Ma always asked me when will I’ll be more matured? and now I have the answer. This incident has turns my world upside down.

Despite of the fact that this is the hardest time in my life so far,it is also giving me the biggest lesson that I’ve to learned in my life.

Ma, I promise that I wont fight with Awin anymore.

Ma,I know that you truly understands why I envy Awin.It was because of u! I dont want Awin to take my place as ur baby girl.

Ma,I wont be jealous towards Awin anymore as there’s no u anymore to be fight for.

I’ll take good care of Awin so that she’ll never feels like losing u.
I’ll grew matured as u wanted me to be.
I’ll cook for abah and the boys just like how u’ve taught me to.
I’ll try as hard that I could to be anything that u wanted me to be so that everybody will know how great u are as a mother.

Ma,I missed u so much!

LHR airport
25th June 2008

Khas untuk dia

Dia : ” Bakpo takdop nukilan terbaru doh lo ni? “

Aku : ” Sebab lo ni hepi..dulu beso menulis maso tgh sedih, maso tu jiwo vulnerable..rapuh sgt2..jd lebih sene dpt ilham”

Alip.La.Alip.Sey = Alase = Alasan…eheheh…

Kondisi hati memang mempengaruhi penulisan cuma ia tidak sepatutnya menghalang seseorang dr terus menulis.

Mungin saja corak tulisan itu akan berbeza mengikut rasa yang sedang mewarnai hati orang itu.

Niat menulis cuma satu, supaya org yg membaca boleh menelah isi hati yang mungkin tak bisa diterjemahkan dalam bentuk perbuatan yang nyata di pandangan mata….semoga tulisan ini mampu membawa org2 yg membaca nya menyelusuri segenap ruang hati yg ingin aku kongsi dgn semua.

Seperti mana kesedihan & kepedihan boleh di rasai bila membaca Diary of A Young Girl(Anne Frank) ; seperti rasa bersemangat & ketenangan hidup yang memenuhi hati bila membaca Like The Flowing River (Paulo Coelho) ; seperti rasa manisnya cinta dr pandangan Islam bila membaca novel Ayat2 Cinta(Habiburrahman El Shirazy);seperti itu juga lah aku mau org yg sedang membaca entry kali ni dapat merasakan emosi2 yg terkandung dalam hatiku saat ini.

Aku mau “dia” tahu bahawa sejak “dia” hadir…aku hilang seluruh keupayaan untuk berada jauh dari laptop ku...betapa aku sentiasa mengharapkan wifi
bocor umah jiran (yg aku curi2 sedut) sentiasa online 24jam
… “Aku lemah tanpa kamu..Ku inginmu dampingi ku…Aku fahami aku bukan terbaik…Tuk dirimu”-sampai syurga,faizal tahir 

Aku mau “dia” tahu bahawa sejak “dia” bertapak dalam hati aku…aku menjadi org yg tamak, mau dia hanya milik aku…tidak untuk di kongsi dengan sesiapa pon.. 

“Kaulah… belahan jiwaku…Kaulah… curahan hatiku…Kaulah… cahaya hidupku..Kaulah… segalanya” - DOT-Belahan Jiwa

Aku mau “dia” tahu bahawa sejak “dia” menghuni jiwa aku…aku jadi org yg kurang sifat sabar..lambat nya menunggu detik untuk pulang…detik dpt bjumpa dgn “dia”..detik utk di satukan...

“Sabarlah sayang,…Sabarlah ditakdirkan kita bersama,…Dan tiba masa tuk kita bersama.Usahlah bimbang,…Jangan kau fikirkan selalu,…Kerna masa kan berlalu,Sebentar sahaja…..Sabarlah sayangku,Tempat mu di sisiku,Kan tiba masa tuk kita bersama.” - Sad Angry Babies(S.A.B)~Sabarlah Sayang

Aku mau “dia” tahu bahawa sejak “dia” memenuhi segenap ruang2 halus dlm hati kecilku…aku jadi x keruan..x menentu..pandang mana2 sume nampak kelibat “dia”…

“wajahmu dimana2.. sering ku temui..ku pandang di langit biru,engkau di situ..ku gembira dikau ketawa..sedihmu dukaku..seolahnya dikau mengejar bayang2ku”- wajahmu dimana2(azlina aziz)

Aku mau “dia” tahu bahawa..ragam2 dan kerenah2ku selama ini …rajukan dan tangisan2 aku saban hari…semata2 kerana aku ingin untuk sentiasa merasa dekat dgn “dia”

” dekat padamu…arah ingin ku tuju…walaupun jauh akan ku tempuh..kerana hanya sunyi yang menemani hari semenjak kau pergi membawa diri” - yusry-dekat padamu…

aku ingin “dia” tahu bahawa sejak aku ada “dia”…aku seakan mau menyalahkan kenyataan hidup yang menetapkan bahawa betapa selama ini kita dekat dimata tapi jauh di hati, dan sekarang kita jauh dimata tapi terlalu amat dekat di hati…

“dan selalu ku jaga cinta ini hingga hujung hidupku..dan ku selalu mencintaimu..ooo meski kita jauh…akan ku pastikan cintamu selalu, di dalam hatiku” - 6ixth Sense-Long Distance

Jadi, entry kali ni aku tujukan khas untuk “dia”…terima kasih kerana sudi membawa sesuatu yang tak pernah hadir dalam hidup aku selama ini…moga “dia” membaca entry ini…dan moga “dia” mengerti di setiap rongga dan liang2 kecil dalam hatiku telah dipenuhi dengan nama “dia” dan cuma “dia” untuk selamanya..insya Allah